musings...

foolishly, i pursue and eventually fall for people who are emotionally unavailable. this in turn leads to my own unavailabilty as i put up walls in efforts to heal. for some reason this pattern is safe for me. it allows me to create distance so that. i. don't. get. hurt.

supersize...

americans prefer everything big...except their women.

why??

i struggle with the current reality of society. i am challenged in efforts to reconcile my purpose with what seems to be a doomed future for mankind. i don't trust the government, and i'm beginning to feel that activism is futile. the church to me embodies social control. so now i must decide what it is that i'm doing. am i necessary? is my work in vain? i feel as if i've been sucked into a bubble of 'mainstream society'...ipods, dvds, digital cameras, the internet...what are we doing? i still remember as a child, when my parent bought our first microwave...i'm only 30. we all know the end of the story...is there such purpose in our attempts to alter it? perhaps we are only trying to 'enjoy the ride'...make it more comfortable. i thought i knew...but today, i have no idea why i am here...

caught

go away...she whispered; i shouted. in a dehydrated flush i consume your juice...at home you share space. we exchanged knowing glances, rest in a quiet future as you swat away accusations and seek to mend a broken heart. what about mine?!?...i cry out to you. you reach out your arms as she lays on your tear saturated shoulder, engulfed in my essence you glare at the past hating the grip it now has on you. you slip through our hands pleasing the masses. upholding decorum...swimming with me at the bottom.

untitled

naked, clothed with fear
i felt flung into the unknown
cushioned by the familiar

eyes wide open
heart extended
pelvic thrusting

ruminating on the love
lost in time
it begins again

yellow and green and gold
warm and inviting
marching to the drumbeat of desire

acoustic dwellings
the truth must now be told

words...

i must honor my vows, yet my lover inspires my place of desire. like a slow rain...drip,drip drip....then becomes a bang against the window, disruptive awakening my slumber of responsibility. creativity seduces me my fingers erect with possibility. my mind flooded with snippets of language sending chills through my spine. i want to run, i want to hide...i can do neither. where i turn there she is. aroused by her flow, the cadence pulsates and inhibits the necessary. listening is the foreplay...poetic loins desire to climax cannot be held back

back again

his words feed my famished soul in a way that i wasn't aware i needed. i stare at the phone thinking of reasons to call. i now avoid eye contact for fear that my sockets will lead to betrayal. he's with her...i must remind myself, yet wonder what would happen if i made a move. i need his voice the way i did years ago. i feel validated in my choice and again angered at the loss. i was supposed to hate. my heart turned cold. i want to meet his needs yet question my own intent as the need to conquer.