its just thursday

today my son pulled out his own tooth, i was inspired by a homeless man, and i began the journey of falling for a friend. i was charmed by the ease of conversation, openness of heart, and a special dazzle within the eyes...when we hugged, i felt comfortable and safe. like i could finally rest. so now begins the dance. the tricks of courtship. the twist and turns of affection. typically i am challenged to override my fear and distrust of others. as a form of protection i don't take most interactions seriously. i want to take this seriously...and not mess up. well i will mess up, but i don't want the mess to be a detriment to possibilities. i remember elementary school when i would have a crush-tommy, brandon...i never made a move for fear of rejection. even now as an almost 31 yr old women, i am reduced to that 8, 10, and 12 yr old. this fear is absolutely a learned space. my nature is to pursue what i want with reckless abandon...this i do in every other area of my life, except relationships. i have yet to understand why love-which is something we all desire-appears to be scarce. so many search, yet no one finds. do we blindly pass in the night? my life is moving down an interesting path...the one that i planned. this has never happened and i struggle to trust the process...i wonder if my friend is thinking about me.

To George

I can't stand you and your protocols
You walk around swinging your imaginary dick looking for someone to fuck over and over until your power disintegrates your skin and decorates you in a hideous way
Lies fall out of your mouth and I tripped over one the other day
Yet every day you prepare yourself to be pretty for the man
To suck his dick in the break room while drafting new policies to catch more prey, nourishment for digest on your way to the top
Feminists fuck better, oh yeah they do…
Right in the ass to an unsuspecting comrade,
Suffocating, you become the struggle.
The head that you so enjoy sucks the air out of the room and I am ashamed to call you sister.

haiku #2

top notch asshole you
looking forward to something
different better grand

haiku #1

under the street light
soft fullness happened slowly
a kiss from your lips

a poem for m

take up your bed and walk
reject the ease of misery
hear the pitter patter of little feet strong hoisting jolted dreams
infuse your apathy with ecstasy and awaken the dimly lit moon
bathe in the blood of living
incubate the product of your slumber
lick your wounds
heal the world
vibrations of brilliance
seeping into minds
the pain of a blighted womb
saturated by vacant indulgence
inanimate you
balanced by the peace of chaos
wholly owned
the high point of seasons
manipulate
as you do
cosmic reciprocity

you

last night, while sleeping with another i was taunted by dreams of you. my efforts not to love you prove futile as my arrogant heart invades. i don't know what to do. somehow you're always around. you're no good for me. it hurts to love you. i am constantly left feeling empty, stripped of all good sense. you are an eruption that removes me from a centered illusion of control. the dream was so vivid and i struggled to determine reality...when i opened my eyes this morning, i was shocked not to see your face. i felt betrayed that it wasn't your arm wrapped around my ample waist. you haunt me.

...

"Mother, loosen my tongue or adorn me with a lighter burden." -Audre Lorde

employ the pussy

chills run down my spine as i watch Hillary make her acceptance speech here in columbus. she is gorgeous in red. she is confident. she is joyful.

this evening when i told my daughter that we were going to vote, her response was "i want to be the president"

i then picked up my son and told him where we were going. he responded with "maybe i should be the president"

i feel hopeful.

the revolution is being televised. my children effortlessly declare a goal that was wholly unattainable when my parents were their age.

my life is a direct result of the women's movement.

when i was 7, i played sports with boys, i did so until i was 12. i played sports all through high school. at age 17 i chose to have an abortion and went to college to obtain my degree. i've left and stayed away from 2 abusive relationships. i am parenting my children with the support and community of my family...of origin and that which was chosen. i choose to love women. i choose not to wear makeup. i choose to wear makeup.

i am a woman...proudly.

to paraphrase ani d "...all decent men and women should call themselves feminists, out of respect to those who fought for this..."

being a mom

i was hugging and kissing my kids this evening; and telling them goodnight. while i certainly remember my life without them, i can't imagine them not being apart of my current world.

jeremiah was watching 'bob the incredibles' (as he calls it) and asked me what the government was for. i said they help make laws for the country and try to keep us safe. his response was 'so...if we don't listen to them, what happens? bob had to pay them a bunch of money. i bet he would die if he didn't'...astute. i can't wait to see what the world is like once he's in charge.

jeremiah also has the lovely habit of asking his little sister to do everything for him. so today he sends her down to the laundry room to get him a pair of shorts. i said 'alex, you don't have to do everything he tells you, it's okay to say no' her response...'but i love him so much'. at that moment, i was reminded why i loved her so much.

dear you,

you are my exquisite love. i adore you. you are the truest of all my loves. it is you for whom my heart beats. when i awake i think of you and with you my mind is occupied before i sink into a space of slumber. i fear losing you, yet haven't the faintest idea of how to keep you. i fear another goodbye. i hate not knowing when i shall see you again...how i shall see you again. will it be easy? will you remember the last time? am i but a mere distraction from your world? a world that i'm not sure i belong to. i want to hold you and know that you are mine. i want the glisten in your eyes to be for me. i want your desire for me to often overtake your thoughts, and you to feel pain at the thought of a life excluding me. you see dear sweet one, this the pedastal on which you stand in my life. all things stop for you. your magic removes me from my center, left wandering in a fantastic forest of ecstasy. i don't remember not loving you. my love for you feels reckless and i know longer trust the force or my desire to follow.

i shall love you always

musings...

foolishly, i pursue and eventually fall for people who are emotionally unavailable. this in turn leads to my own unavailabilty as i put up walls in efforts to heal. for some reason this pattern is safe for me. it allows me to create distance so that. i. don't. get. hurt.

supersize...

americans prefer everything big...except their women.

why??

i struggle with the current reality of society. i am challenged in efforts to reconcile my purpose with what seems to be a doomed future for mankind. i don't trust the government, and i'm beginning to feel that activism is futile. the church to me embodies social control. so now i must decide what it is that i'm doing. am i necessary? is my work in vain? i feel as if i've been sucked into a bubble of 'mainstream society'...ipods, dvds, digital cameras, the internet...what are we doing? i still remember as a child, when my parent bought our first microwave...i'm only 30. we all know the end of the story...is there such purpose in our attempts to alter it? perhaps we are only trying to 'enjoy the ride'...make it more comfortable. i thought i knew...but today, i have no idea why i am here...