Every day we receive an abundance of messages regarding gender; simply living in our world exposes us to diverse images and ideas about appropriate and desirable masculine and feminine identities. Gender is such a familiar part of our daily lives that it typically takes a deliberate disruption of our expectations for us to even question all that goes into it.
In our culture gender construction begins at birth with the assignment of a male or female label. Babies and children are then dressed, regarding to, and gifted based on which box they’ve been placed. Boys wear strong, bold colors; and girls wear soft non-threatening ones such as pale pink or other pastels. Indeed, if a girl is involved in sports, and otherwise plays and dresses in a style exclusive to boys, she is regarded as a ‘tomboy’; clearly denoting that she is existing outside of her assigned role of girl.
There was a time when I would vehemently regard gender as a socially constructed experience. I didn’t believe in biological factors outside of physical appearance and thought that even those were in part due to our socially assigned roles. In May 2002 I was gifted with my son Jeremiah. In true post modern feminist form, I worked hard to ensure a gender neutral, non-androcentric environment. I insisted that his crib and dresser were white and that my family only buy him clothing in shades of green or yellow. I did this again two years later when Alex was born-not allowing for the traditional pink and flower decorations exclusive to the birth of little girls. Together, I was sure to allow them play time with each other’s gendered toys. Jeremiah would carry the dolls and Alex enjoyed crashing trucks into the wall.
Around the age of two and a half they began to question gender. My daughter wondered why her big brother had different parts than she. She was curious regarding my parts and wondered when hers would look like mine. It became important for her to identify as a girl and to then act accordingly. Dresses, the color pink, tap shoes-she couldn’t get enough. She loved and continues to love playing mommy with her dolls; a working mom that is. My boy, he’s a gentle as they come emotionally yet consistently asks when he can play football. He’s obsessed with his muscles enjoys getting dirty.
Imagine my chagrin when I realized my children were, in many ways, conforming to gender roles and stereotypes.
What happens when, as a child, that stabilization stage never occurs? What happens when the little one, assigned as a boy, really wants to take ballet lessons and wear his momma’s makeup? When the girl would rather starve then be placed in the pretty dresses she received for Christmas? What are we doing when cross gender imagination leads to cross gender reality? I would like to believe that I would allow my little ones to explore, but in society is there really room for this to comfortably and safely occur?
At this point, I acknowledge that there are varying components that lead to the construction of one’s gender. I also understand that like revolution, gender construction is not a one time event. Even as a cisgender individual, it is important for me to go beyond roles and physical attributes and identify as a person who is very strongly woman-identified. For me this communicates that I go beyond passive acceptance of my womanhood, and choose to embrace and feel empowered by it.
As a society we continue to exist in and perpetuate gender binaries. Although this is often done unintentionally and is a result of our personal socialization, we must do more in making space for those who don’t fit inside of their assigned box of gender. I contend that we either throw away all boxes or work to create new ones, inclusive of all. I challenge us all to do more in the face of gender diversity-Explore. Educate. Advocate.
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