disappearing act

where have i been? that's an excellent question...new job...newish relationship...new degree...new figure...i guess i have been quite busy, however something yet feels undone. i feel as if i've lost my impulse to create. i've become a responsible routine oriented partner and parent and my colors seem to have flown out the window. i miss writing poetry admist a sink full of dishes and moving aside piles of laundry to find a blank canvas. its almost as if a relationship has ended. i never asked for the ability to create, it is a desire born within that has quite literally saved my life. its like a drug, once discovered, i've always searched for the next great high...like crack it remains unattainable so i must continue in pursuit of my bliss. as a recovering close minded evangelical (not all evangelicals are the same, i'm only speaking to who i was) i often give thought to the term 'born again'. as i get older, i realize that we experience multiple births throughout our lives...continually becoming a 'new man (womyn). we are reborn not only in our relationships with god, but also in relationship with self. there is so much on the inside of us...something unique and often hidden...i suppose the question is really in the hiding. do we hide ourselves or are we only undiscovered?

its just thursday

today my son pulled out his own tooth, i was inspired by a homeless man, and i began the journey of falling for a friend. i was charmed by the ease of conversation, openness of heart, and a special dazzle within the eyes...when we hugged, i felt comfortable and safe. like i could finally rest. so now begins the dance. the tricks of courtship. the twist and turns of affection. typically i am challenged to override my fear and distrust of others. as a form of protection i don't take most interactions seriously. i want to take this seriously...and not mess up. well i will mess up, but i don't want the mess to be a detriment to possibilities. i remember elementary school when i would have a crush-tommy, brandon...i never made a move for fear of rejection. even now as an almost 31 yr old women, i am reduced to that 8, 10, and 12 yr old. this fear is absolutely a learned space. my nature is to pursue what i want with reckless abandon...this i do in every other area of my life, except relationships. i have yet to understand why love-which is something we all desire-appears to be scarce. so many search, yet no one finds. do we blindly pass in the night? my life is moving down an interesting path...the one that i planned. this has never happened and i struggle to trust the process...i wonder if my friend is thinking about me.

To George

I can't stand you and your protocols
You walk around swinging your imaginary dick looking for someone to fuck over and over until your power disintegrates your skin and decorates you in a hideous way
Lies fall out of your mouth and I tripped over one the other day
Yet every day you prepare yourself to be pretty for the man
To suck his dick in the break room while drafting new policies to catch more prey, nourishment for digest on your way to the top
Feminists fuck better, oh yeah they do…
Right in the ass to an unsuspecting comrade,
Suffocating, you become the struggle.
The head that you so enjoy sucks the air out of the room and I am ashamed to call you sister.

haiku #2

top notch asshole you
looking forward to something
different better grand

haiku #1

under the street light
soft fullness happened slowly
a kiss from your lips

a poem for m

take up your bed and walk
reject the ease of misery
hear the pitter patter of little feet strong hoisting jolted dreams
infuse your apathy with ecstasy and awaken the dimly lit moon
bathe in the blood of living
incubate the product of your slumber
lick your wounds
heal the world
vibrations of brilliance
seeping into minds
the pain of a blighted womb
saturated by vacant indulgence
inanimate you
balanced by the peace of chaos
wholly owned
the high point of seasons
manipulate
as you do
cosmic reciprocity

you

last night, while sleeping with another i was taunted by dreams of you. my efforts not to love you prove futile as my arrogant heart invades. i don't know what to do. somehow you're always around. you're no good for me. it hurts to love you. i am constantly left feeling empty, stripped of all good sense. you are an eruption that removes me from a centered illusion of control. the dream was so vivid and i struggled to determine reality...when i opened my eyes this morning, i was shocked not to see your face. i felt betrayed that it wasn't your arm wrapped around my ample waist. you haunt me.